genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
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Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Covid like
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
“What movie?” 🤔
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who