[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
You Might Also Like
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]