*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
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It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”