Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
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[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.