[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
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I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!