“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
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the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.