Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
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No good deed goes unposted on social media.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
no!! no!!!!!!
j o i m p
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”