@curlycomedy: Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
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@HelmdawgE: Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has "will get in cars with strangers" in her bio. I'm hiding........
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream? Me: It's freezing outside. 4: I know. It won’t melt.
@Bandersnaaatch: There's a bird in the yard and she's shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
@FattMernandez: I saw a car with "Wash Me" written on it, so I set it on fire. I'll be damned if I'm going to allow cars to become sentient!