Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
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they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I’d love this…lol
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”