Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
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There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Noah
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info