C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
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People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.