I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
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My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Breaking news:
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy