CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
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The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.