CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
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“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Time for evil
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
idk what he going thru but i feel him
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.