CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
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Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
me when the borders lift
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.