CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
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I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.