CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
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Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Made something I’m not proud of
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Unimpressed
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks