CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
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the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times