CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
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they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.