CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
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“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Bruh PLEASE
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.