Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
You Might Also Like
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I just ran a .003048K
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!