Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
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I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
2022 will be better than 2021
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.