I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
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The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Me irl
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.