Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
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I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!