@WilliamAder: Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
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@man_spach: When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they're judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
@cepheusjackson: MUGGER: Empty your pockets! ME: But these are cargo shorts. (45 min later) ME: That's the left one MUGGER: Seriously. ME: I am SO sorry
@jake_likes_naps: [gets down on 1 knee] Babe will you-- "Yeah... Here it is" [she lends me her phone charger] Thanks