@WilliamAder: Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
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@shatterpants: When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.
@crunchenhanced: My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation.... Google Earth says everything is just fine.
@primawesome: Did you know there's a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That's not true. I'm sorry.