Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
one of
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
An odd boast
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.