Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
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I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*