Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
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[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?