Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue: