[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
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The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.