[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
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When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
How is it still this week?
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?