Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
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never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪