Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
You deplete me
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.