My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
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Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?