Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
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me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Just why bro?!
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.