Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
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Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Which wines pair best with gloating?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets