excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
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Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.