Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
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“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
notice
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car