@GaryJanetti: College graduates, did you know there are people that went to Princeton that can't find a job? And you just went to a normal shitty school.
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@david8hughes: [turns up radio in the car] Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
@ericsshadow: [at my high school reunion] Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb's house? "Dude that was in 1991."
@KalvinMacleod: [parole hearing] OFFICER: are u reformed? ME: I— O: go on M: I th— O: tell us M: I'm— O: yes M: can I finish my sentence O: ok parole denied