@goldengateblond: College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
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@causticbob: I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Then when people ask me what it means...
@KalvinMacleod: Wile E Coyote: I can't get rid of this headache *TNT explodes* *anvil drops on his head* *bus flattens him* Dr: it's probably stress-related
@robdelaney: Reminder: Please just hit the "RT" button on my tweets if you're ugly. Don't want people associating your busted face with my art.
@thepatrickwalsh: My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.