College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
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My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
drew a comic about my origin story
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have