The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
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A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot