College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
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* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”