That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
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Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
If you want my opinion ask my wife
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.