Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
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Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Noah
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.