Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
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At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…