COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
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Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
fair
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*