COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
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Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
sigh
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!