[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
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Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
seems fine
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I will never stop laughing at this
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table