Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Lol
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now