I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
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ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.