So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
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A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.