Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
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Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me