“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
You Might Also Like
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point